One Sugar Pleased

All you need to know about Alan Sugar in one picture

Hard to believe though this is, The Times has just reported that there was more to Sir Alan Sugar's visit with his mate Gordon Brown earlier today than the former trying to get a government contract for millions of unsold Amstrad 'Superphones'. (There are only three in the world and they all appear on The Apprentice: one in the house, one for Sugar and one for his secretary).

It seems Sugar is about to be brought into government using the now time-honoured "peerage and parachute" technique. To do what, exactly?

The gossip is that Sir Alan Sugar's visit to Number 10 was not a courtesy call. It is suggested that he has been offered a role in the Cabinet and has accepted. This seems far fetched, but the source is good enough to make it worth recording at least.......

Dear - oh - dear. I suppose he could be coming in to help Brown with his purge. Sugar said, almost famously: "I don't like schmoozers, bullshitters, liars or arselickers." Well, Sir Al, if you apply those standards of human resources management to Downing Street, the whole bloody cabinet will have to go, including Brown. In fact, that pretty much accounts for every MP and Peer in Parliament.

Maybe not such a bad thing, then.

Recycling The Trash

Guess who's coming back to the Home Office. Talk about recycling the trash.

Rumours are circulating that reformed Communist, reformed alcoholic, Blairite Jock, John Reid is about to join his arch enemy Gordon Brown's zombie government in what is (was?) being planned as some sort of spectacular move to shore up the cabinet a la Mandy. But Downing Street immediately sought to scotch the speculation after a meeting between Brown and Reid was leaked to BBC political toad, Nick Robinson, so the Spectator says.

Either the leak - the umpteenth act of sabotage from within Downing St. this week - has scuppered the plan completely or Brown will simply go ahead and bring this 'heavyweight' antagonist back regardless. The reality seems to be now that whichever direction Brown tries to step, he somehow finds a landmine.

There must be someone within his 'inner circle' - actually inside the bunker - constantly briefing against him and releasing confidential or embarrassing information to the press corps. It has paralysed Brown: he can no longer make any future plans because no sooner has he decided something than the media somehow get hold of it and splash it all over the internet.

All I really wonder, gleeful as I am that this puffed-up demagogue has once and for all been found out and laid low, is if he likes the taste of his own poison. Whoever's introduced it into Brown's water supply deserves a knighthood: the toxin is taking effect.

So don't worry, Gordo. The whole, horrible nightmare will be over soon, chum. Then we can all wake-up.

==Update==
According to Iain Dale, Reid actually told Brown he should quit in that meeting. Apparently, the conversation went something like this:

Brown: Will you be my Home Secretary?
Reid: No
Brown: You have to support me.
Reid: No I don't. I have to support my country and my party, and that means you have to stand down

Extraordinary. I think (I hope) this isn't a spoof by Mr Dale. He is a bigwig insider, after all. Although the story is unsourced, which is unusual for Dale, spoofs aren't really his style.

If it is kosher, then fair play to the old Scottish Labour fart, Reid. And I wonder: could we be seeing the emergence of the stalking horse. He fits the bill... .

This story could be a real runner.

CHAOS!

Tom Watson, Brown's chief political henchman, has stood down from his post according to Sky. The report, on this day of total chaos for the government, offers no reason for his shock decision which means there must be speculation he was fired.

So it seems Guido might be right after all: there is an agent provocateur at the heart of Brown's government and, after a spate of embarrassing leaks and briefings against Brown, Watson would appear to have failed his master for the last time.

As government collapses go, this one is spectacular.

Jacqui Jumps

Preferring not to wait until she's pushed, Smith has jumped from the Home Office cabinet post she so richly didn't deserve. Presumably she's decided to spend more time with her bath plugs and to tackle the thorny problem of weaning her husband off his porn habit.

What are the implications of this surprise resignation ahead of the Euro and local elections on Thursday? Well, the Spectator called it yesterday, with James Forsyth prophesying:

Whenever word gets out that a reshuffle is underway, the rumour mill goes into overdrive—no speculation it too outrageous or too thinly sourced to make the rounds. So there’s a danger that Ministers could think, wrongly, that they’re going to be dropped or demoted and decide to get their retaliation in first.

I'm not sure this is quite an example of that - she was an epically useless Home Sec and wanted to quit anyway - but given that Number 10 appears to have totally lost control of not only the news agenda (Queen's snub over D-Day, for instance) but also their own economic policy on the car industry (LDV re-enters administration), it is true to say that it is the first sign of that 'chaos' to which Forsyth referred.

The fact, for instance, that they have another dead man walking in Alistair Darling coming out on Sky this afternoon to try to explain why Smith had gone speaks volumes about how limited Brown's scope for change in any reshuffle now is. Better than half his cabinet, including his Chancellor, are tainted by the expenses scandal, with Geoff Hoon the latest double claimer forced to pay back the cash he nicked. He is also one of the Labour ministers who benefited so richly from the 2004 rule change on flipping that Brown denied all knowledge of in a bizarre exchange during an interview with Adam Boulton yesterday.

As Fraser Nelson says this afternoon, what Smith's departure really does emphasise is Brown's helplessness. He goes on:

This gives her a bit of dignity, and will frustrate Gordon Brown who would have liked to announce this himself. The reshuffle is one of the few weapons left in his arsenal - with Labour's poll rating now below room temperature, he is about to lead the party into what will doubtless be its worst-ever defeat. And he'll look more helpless now; given he can't control his own reshuffles in a timely way.

As it all begins finally to unravel only one question really remains: can Brown hang-on as leader? Now that he has lost what was, apparently, his only 'unique selling point', (however mythical) - his control over his party - I still maintain he will be knifed in the back, shown the door, quietly asked to leave: whatever the method of his removal, he will be removed. Why? Because there are strong signs that it is finally dawning on the Labour donkeys that there is one, consistent, unifying feature of this vortex of national tribulation and political chaos they (we!) are having to suffer - and he lives in Number 10.

Not for much longer.

Brown: "I Know Nothing About Anything"

Adam Boulton has just nailed Brown live on air. Did Brown know about the rule change for ministers in 2004 which let them make money on their second homes, asked Boulton. Brown denied everything, looking terribly Nixonian. Pressed by Boulton, he repeated the denial and then attacked Boulton for clutching at straws. We shall see.

Brown then denied us our general election again by claiming that he was 'doing the job [he] was elected to do'. Er, when exactly was that, Gordo?

He hasn't 'finished the job', he says. The job of destroying the country in every conceivable way possible, I think he must mean. It was an astonishing, appalling, train-wreck interview for Brown - his worst yet - and one which Labour MPs (and ministers) will have watched with a mounting sense of horror as it went on, with an increasingly rattled and hostile Brown looking more and more isolated. This is a man under siege; or a wild animal, cornered, wounded and ready to lash out.

Brown's expression at the end was telling, therefore, too: he glared at the man who had just beasted him with razor sharp charm with undisguised hatred. Yes, hatred. One day very soon, Brown will crack on air and the violent temper of this dreadful man will be on display for all to see. It very nearly happened today. Again. I wish I could have heard what Brown said to Bolton after the interview. He looked like he wanted to kill him.

==Update==
Politicos have to be careful what they say to Boulton because he's a pretty free spirit who will speak his own mind on his blog (unlike that twat Nick Robinson). So it's probably not a very good idea to try to bully him, as, it appears, I was right in assuming Brown had. Here's a bit of what Boulton says in his blog entry on the interview, aptly titled 'Boiling Brown':

....there are still some questions to which I feel Mr Brown did not give a clear answer:
1) If Hazel Blears’ behaviour over her mortgages was in his words “totally unacceptable” why is she still in his cabinet?
2) Why is her behaviour totally unacceptable when Mr Brown has defended other cabinet ministers, including some such as Alistair Darling who have repaid money?

He says it’s to do with avoiding paying tax, but others also organised their affairs to be: “tax efficient”.

...Mr Brown became heated when I asked him why the Labour Government changed the rules in 2004 making it permissible for ministers to flip the designation on their homes often, to their apparent financial benefit.

Mr Brown threatened that I had better be able to prove “my allegations”, while denying that he had anything to do with the change, or even knew about it.

To make it clear, I am saying that a rule change was made, and that that had the effect of helping ministers improve their financial position.

I do not have the evidence to prove that the two factors were linked.

But I have now asked the Prime Minister and a member of the cabinet why the change was made, and have received no explanation.

Finally, on two other topics in the news some interesting developments:

Following GM’s filing for bankruptcy the Prime Minister says he hopes “most of the jobs at Vauxhall can be saved” - looks like there will be some redundancies then.

And on the Queen’s absence from this week’s 65th anniversary of D-Day – something I still find astonishing given that the Heads of State of both America and France will be present – Mr Brown, who will be attending, said it had nothing to do with him.

More Pontius Pilate than Caligula, then - or maybe the worst bits of both in one man. Hope Sky put the link up soon. I want to see it again!

==Update 2==
Here it is:

Farewell Darling: A Tribute In Toons

In no particular order of fun:



























































































































































And meet your ultra house-flipping, tax evading, smearing, backstabbing, Brownite lickspittle new 'Chancellor', Head Balls.

Who says crime doesn't pay?

Darling Down Balls-Up

Meet the new Chancellor

I know it's been up for a while, but it's so fantastically naff that I had to do something on it. The Sunday Times says Gordon Brown wants Ed Balls to replace Alistair Darling. In a scoop sourced to a "top-level leak from Downing Street" [update: Guido thinks it's Mandelson. The farce is complete!] it's revealed that this is some sort of desperate strategy by Brown to reinvigorate his dead government.

...the prime minister wants to make the appointment the centrepiece of a sweeping reshuffle on Friday, after the local and European polls.

With Balls, the schools secretary, one of the most divisive figures in government, the move would be a huge risk, which could trigger a ferocious backlash within the Labour party that could spiral into a leadership challenge.

The Sunday Times understands that Lord Mandelson, the business secretary, has warned Brown of the potential dangers, but is ready to support the move as part of a final attempt to revive the government’s fortunes.

It's difficult to know which part of this to laugh at first: one of the "most divisive figures in government" ousting a man who could well turn into Brown's Geoffrey Howe; Lord Mandelson giving his qualified blessing while warning of the "potential dangers" - something he knows all about; the "dangerous backlash" from supine Labour backbenchers frightened by the prospect of imminent unemployment and losing all those delicious perks. Whichever bit of this hairbrained (and now leaked) scheme unravels first, what's certain is that this is going to be a real blockbuster summer of political bloodshed.

But it gets worse (better, I mean):

Brown’s authority has become so weakened that some ministers are openly defying Downing Street. Insiders claim the most audacious are dodging his calls – deliberately “going to ground” when he tries to phone them.

It's amateur night at Whitehall, folks. Low farce in a paralysed regime. This is your 'government' remember. And people still wonder why we so desperately need a General Election. Well, maybe this part will finally convince them:

According to the well-placed insider, Brown has been working on the scheme to make Balls chancellor since the expenses debacle engulfed Westminster, taking a handful of his closest aides into his confidence.

Brown knows the appointment would be highly controversial and is ruminating over the possible consequences.

"Munch, munch...er...munch." The consequences will be the political equivalent of multi-megaton nuclear devastation for you, Gord - happily.

While few question Balls’s economic competence, many backbenchers remain deeply distrustful of the prime minister’s closest henchman.

Yesterday one senior Blairite figure warned of devastating consequences for the prime minister if he pressed ahead. “If Gordon wants to bring the whole house of cards tumbling down, this is the way to do it. The reaction will be apoplectic,” he said.

See?

A Downing Street spokesman said: “We do not comment on reshuffles.”

That's OK, spokesman geezer, you don't have to. We've got everything we need.

As the Brown slowmotion trainwreck enters its final phase (taking out the station and exploding in flames), one can't help but be curious about how poor old Darling, Brown's loyal retainer for so many years, feels about all this. Howe will he react, I wonder ;)

Boy oh boy, though, watching Brown tear Labour to pieces and probably destroy it for generations as a serious political force over the next few months will be absolutely captivating. If it's allowed to happen, that is.

[Insert Your Caption in the Comments Below]

Sadly, even Labour knows now that Darling or Balls, Harmon or Smith, Blears or any other of their incompetent, sleazy ministers you care to pick are not really the main problem (serious problems though they all are): it's Brown. And they're going to get rid of him - within weeks.

Shame. We won't get to see the show. I'll just have to settle for seeing Brown ousted, then. What a pity.

Liability Brown II

The Speccy says that reshuffle fever (swine flu?) is about to grip Downing St., and could prove to be a massive headache for Brown as the economy shows further signs of serious weakness and the expenses scandal threatens to engulf the entire cabinet.

Several cabinet ministers were already in the doghouse for various sins ranging from general incompetence to disloyalty - and back to general incompetence again - even before the various house-flipping profit gouging and dodgy expense troughing revealed the true extent of their basic dishonesty. No one is safe - but ditherer Brown might well be further befuddled by the threat from potential kamikazee attacks from any one of the freshly disgruntled cabinet members following any demotions or sackings. Peter Hoskin quotes the Mail as saying:

"Foreign Secretary David Miliband is fighting for his job behind the scenes in the face of a campaign by Business Secretary Lord Mandelson, who has long dreamed of taking his post.An ally of Mr Miliband added: 'David doesn't want to move and he's not the only one.'A source warned that Mr Brown might find several cabinet ministers prepared to wreck his reshuffle rather than accept a demotion or sideways move."

But these aren't the only potentially government-terminating banana skins for Brown. Hoskin again:

...then there's the Hazel Blears situation. If he ditches her, as he's expected to, then folk will just ask - rightly or wrongly - why ministers such as Alistair Darling, James Purnell and Geoff Hoon haven't got the boot too. But if Brown hangs onto the Salford chipmunk, then he risks looking weak - both in terms of his authority within the Labour party, and in his response to the expenses scandal. Again, another example of the lose-lose politics that our Prime Minister's mired in at the moment.

Just so. But it's also the country that's the loser. Exactly how long Brown thinks he can go on with these 'last man standing' tactics - which is rapidly where he is heading - remains to be seen. What seems certain is that doubts about his leadership, firmly in the Labour Party's collective mind even before the expenses debacle emerged, are about to surface with a vengeance. All it will take is for one of his over-promoted but hyper-ambitious pisspoor cabinet lackeys, heading for the richly deserved chop, to decide they're not going quietly for the whole, crumbling, increasingly unstable edifice that is Brown's premiership finally to come crashing down around his ears.

What he cannot see - and the reason why he is in the mother of all pickles - is that there's really only one gambling addict who absolutely desperately does need to be dealt out of the game: James
Gordon "he's run out of out money" Brown.

He's in this situation because he's not a leader, he's a liability. Maybe someone in the tainted Labour inner circle will finally have the courage to come out and say it. There'll certainly be candidates a-plenty after Brown has finished fiddling with his Hoons.

Order the popcorn, folks. Not long to go now.