Mash On Cable

Enjoyed this one from the superlatively non prisoner-taking Daily Mash:

IF THE ANSWER IS VINCE CABLE THEN I'M MOVING TO FRANCE, SAYS EVERYONE

IF the answer to Britain's economic problems is Vince Cable then what are the schools like in the Dordogne, it was claimed last night. You could grow your own vegetables while Vince is in the Treasury turning out to be shit As the Liberal Democrat treasury spokesman once again made it perfectly clear that he thinks he is much, much better than you, people across the country were surprised at how much house you can get for your money south of the Loire. Mr Cable lined up alongside rivals George Osborne and Alistair Darling in a Channel Four debate on Britain's economic future while millions of viewers stressed that French social security contributions are comparatively high but you do get what you pay for. Julian Cook, from Finsbury Park, said: "Give him his credit, he did correctly predict that Ricky Martin is a gay man, but apart from that all he seems to do is tell people what's in the Financial Times." He added: "Four bedrooms, an acre of land and a pool for £250,000. And it's near a village with a twice weekly open air market and a bistro. Yeah... sure... Vince Campbell would be a terrific thingumy of the whatever..." Joanna Kramer, from Grantham, said: "Bearing in mind that politicians are the unfunniest bastards in the history of the universe then I suppose Vince Cable is relatively amusing when compared to, say Anne Widdecombe or Adolf Hitler. Unfortunately I don't think there is a huge export market for pithy metaphors and self-satisfied put-downs." She added: "Did you know that the TGV travels at an average speed of 174mph and has a 98% punctuality rate? But I'm sure Vic Claypole will be super at whatever it is you would like him to do." Meanwhile, in the aftermath of the debate the Tories said that expectations on George Osborne were so low that he had won simply by not boasting about how rich he is, using the word 'piccaninny' or urinating in his underpants. It is not known how chancellor Alistair Darling performed as everyone had made sure they had something else to do while he was speaking.

Lol.

Barely Alive Chancellor's Debate Blogging

Two things: First: Why has Vince "Preparing for Government" Cable been given the role of pointless avuncular arbitrator.

Oh, and second, Darling is being absolutely annihilated by Osborne, and far more devastatingly than I expected. Well done George.

The third thing is (three, three things): What the hell is Vince Cable for already? I do wish he'd shut the hell up and let the grown-ups (politically) get on with the show.

Update

And lo, Saint Vince of Cables gets the serious clap dose from certain members of the audience at the end. Well, that might have something to do with the fact that he's a complete policy whore, being the Lib Dem who will never see office that he is, who will say anything to "pull". But that fact will make no difference to tomorrow's dumb mainstream media. Hey ho.

The fact that Osborne petered out more-than-somewhat towards the end concerns and irritates me in equal measure, however. Darling, and this saves Osborne to a vast extent, was, by contrast (sort of) a feeble, washed-out non-entity virtually all the way through.

So, forgetting the infinitely forgettable 'Vince Factor' forever, what we have seen here, overall, is a clear win for Osborne. But not, annoyingly, the decisive one it could and should have been.

Game (still) on.