Dying Out

Diplodocus Brown: Extinct

Long has it been known that the Daily Telegraph 'editor-in-chief', relative youngster and Brown sympathiser, Will Lewis' sop to the Left was Mary Riddell. The 'Labour insider' was employed soon after Lewis was installed by the Telegraph's new owners. Since then she (and he) have left regular readers, of whom yours truly once was, apoplectic with fury as inch after inch of Leftist, Brownite horse manure was dumped on them week after week, earning Riddell the richly deserved sobriquet Merry Drivell, at least from me.

You could be fooled into imagining that after Brown's monumental cockups over the economy, the smears campaigns and now the expenses scandal - and just about everything else he's ever touched - that we'd be spared any more of this crap from the Lewis-Drivell axis. Sadly, no. Like Toynbee and Ashley - only moreso even than these two uber-loons - Riddell just keeps on churning out the same old sympathetic, sycophantic, half-baked, often barely readable claptrap about 'what Brown must do next'. There's another dose of dozy Drivell today. Check out some of the diseased sputum she's managed to cough-up this time. It's not her worst effort, but there are some dollops of trademark Merry in it worth repeating:

Mr Miliband's modest wishlist – more power for select committees, Prime Minister's Questions (an ordeal that Mr Brown detests) becoming nicer, and an end to ceremonial garb – will appeal to reformers

Diddums. And Ed Milliband's 'reform programme'? Laugh? I nearly cried. Surely he's too worried about how global warming will affect his wank pimples to be concerned with this.

However he reshuffles his pack, Mr Brown should ignore those urging caution on broader reform. Delivering cleaned-up rules is the easy bit. Promising the changes that will jolt Britain into the 21st century [sic] is his only chance of wrong-footing Mr Cameron.

*wipes eyes* Oh. Dear. I suppose all you can say about this is that Brown ignores everyone else, including an electorate that not only wants him out now, but to see him hanging from the nearest lampost with piano wire - attached to his tongue (metaphorically, of course - I think). So if he ignores the 'more cautious' piggy pocketliners in his shit-awful party, at least he's being consistent. Consistently terrible, that is.

And "jolt Britain into...blah blah...21st Century...wheeze...wrong-footing Cameron...splutter". For God's sake, Brown's a dinosaur, Drivell! He's the thing that most urgently requires abolition, Ridell, to allow Britain to enter the 21st Century.

He's a political Diplodocus: he plods along making lots of loud honking and farting noises but doesn't really-actually do anything except strip the land of vegetation (taxes) and produce about a ton of arse-methane a day (talking). The chances of him 'wrong-footing' the scurrying, warm-blooded, hirsute creature that is Cameron is about the same as it was for those peabrained, doomed megabeasts of yesteryear: the former changed with the climate and inherited the earth while the latter drifted off into extinction, poisoned by its own pollution.

Political paleantologists might be interested in the fossilised remains of Brown's career years from now. But today, the asteroid that is the expenses scandal might be bad news for the Tory rodents, but for Brown and Labour's other terrible lizards it's an Extinction Level Event.

And Mary, no amount of your drivel is going to change that. Fate is fate and Brown's is to go the way of the Dodo. They have a lot in common not least in that regard.